Post No.: 0831
Furrywisepuppy says:
If you like someone and the signals are good and the time is right – then ask them out! Make the move…
Take the lead. Take the initiative to come up with ideas and do the organising of dates. Be decisive.
But bear in mind that during the first dates, it’s natural for both people to be trying their utmost to present their best sides, which means you’ll hardly get to know each other thoroughly. Organisms tend to want to exert the minimum effort to obtain what they seek. For instance, many males wish to impress their dates by displaying their cooking prowess hence they’ll cook their signature dish for them. But then we may discover that this one dish is about the only dish they’ve mastered(!) So don’t jump to conclusions too soon – cooking for you on a date won’t necessarily mean they’ll be doing most, or half, of the cooking if you enter fully into a relationship with them!
That’s why it takes patience to know someone, as their mask will eventually slip when you see them in different, more challenging and exposing, contexts. The best relationships therefore often evolve from long friendships that were built upon natural interactions, as opposed to interactions where one has been constantly trying to only present one’s most attractive side.
Reciprocal self-disclosure helps people to get to know each other – read Post No.: 0817. If you haven’t known your date for long though, what can expedite the process are activities where you both must cooperate and work together, like escape rooms or a true survival situation (albeit the latter is risky on a first date if you’re stuck with someone whom you don’t yet know yet your lives depend on each other(!)) These activities are better for getting to know each other’s characters than coffee or movie dates, although you might just want a coffee or to watch a movie sometimes and you might as well do these together whenever possible too.
In terms of stoking the raw flames of passion though – the best dates are those that get the pulse racing, like scary theme parks or suspense horror videos! The pounding heartbeat, sweatiness and rollercoaster of thrilling emotions from the activity can be conflated with the physiological symptoms of desire. Many different things, including the first feelings of love as well as fear, or excitement as well as nervousness, can activate the sympathetic nervous system, and these attributions can become mixed up. ‘Bad boys’ and ‘negging’ (raising insecure feelings in someone by putting them down in indirect ways) can make some women feel uncertain and anxious – some of whom will confuse these feelings as signs of lust. These (controversial) behaviours can then be reinforced as passion through other behaviours, like going on a date with them. So get each other’s heart rate up whenever you’re together because that’s the feeling of romance! (The attribution to love instead of fear can potentially be confused both ways though. Indeed we feel more vexed about the foibles of those we love than those we’re indifferent about.)
Bars and clubs are noisy and so there’s an excuse to get closer to someone and less concern about awkward silences, thus are good places to play on the lust with whom you’re dating (or to find partners based on lust generally). Dates that involve displays of unnerving bravery are usually good for guys – if they can manage them! Physical dates, like paintballing and rock climbing, are better than gentle dates like going on a walk or to a restaurant. Be creative too, like romantic mystery dates. Go for unexpected activities that push your date a tad out of their comfort zone in a fun way. Be original and let them discover fun in ways they never thought of before. Don’t therefore always just do the things they already know they like – introduce them to things that you think they might like too. The unexpectedness also makes the experience more memorable too.
Never be late. Sit next to instead of opposite each other at tables. Change the venue regularly from date to date so that it’ll feel like you’ve known each other for longer. Share lively, exciting, memorable (i.e. novel) experiences together to connect with one another.
Places that create positive emotions, like funfairs, will mean that the positive emotion will be associated with each other. But if you want to test your love for each other then places that allow you both to not just test positive but also potential negative emotions will be necessary. A good date for this might be a tandem kayak on the rapids – it’s inevitable that you’ll hit some rocks as the waters carry the kayak in unpredictable ways, and how you both cope with the blame and possible fighting when it’s not clear who’s at fault will reveal how you’ll possibly cope with other disputes in your relationship.
Another important test is the place or situations where and how you’ll both most likely be living day-to-day, like how you’ll both cope with children and your work schedules. Hence figuring out compatibility takes time.
Most people would obviously rather hang around happy than gloomy people, especially when on dates together. So be ebullient around your date, like a loyal dog who’s jubilant to see them (except maybe don’t jump onto their lap and lick their face when you’ve not seen them in ages – woof woof(!)) However, if you’re genuinely feeling sad (nobody is happy all of the time, and one shouldn’t pretend to be happy if one has a reason not to be) then you’d hope they’d be compassionate and care to make you feel better rather than run away because ‘they don’t want your miserable vibes infecting them’.
Be presentable on every date, naturally. Be very clean, dress well, and freshen up. Watch your breath and make sure your lips aren’t chapped. Prepare little gifts for your date that they (rather than you) might like – gifts that are meaningful to them, and are proportionate to the stage the relationship is at.
Although the last impression is what sticks, the first impression is critical so get this right. We’re only as good as our last impression (as football managers know!), but if our first impression is bad then it might also be the last impression because they’ll never want to see you again! They’ll most likely form a quick judgement about you and this may be hard to shift, even if their hasty judgement about you was wrong.
People are biased to primacy errors where they’ll prejudge others too early and will not easily change their opinion about them despite any growing and overwhelming evidence that should compel them to. People are also biased to recency errors where they’ll judge others too heavily on just the very last moment they had with them i.e. all the good or bad that had gone before related to them becomes severely under-weighted compared to the very last interaction with them. Most people don’t like to be proven wrong regarding their initial judgements (most people hubristically think they’re brilliant judges of character after uncovering few clues). And most people will try to extrapolate predictions based on only the last known piece of data rather than on the whole of the dataset so far.
So watch out for any bad habits you may have, because you may be used to them but others won’t be, and they might perceive them as major. We can underestimate as well as overestimate how others sense our habits.
…Yet probably the number one advice is to take a break from the pressure of trying to be perfectly romantic and focus instead on the oft neglected yet far more crucial values of friendship and genuine concern for the other person over you.
So concentrate on being friends firstly then find the romance secondly. Start by probing or requesting small things then build the momentum up based on the feedback. This means paying sensitive attention to body language at all times – yours to them, theirs to you, from head to toe, and physical distances. You can’t rush things faster than they want to go. Most of all – enjoy each other’s company as this will naturally signal compatibility.
Build up the flirting. So never go in too fast and seemingly desperately. Put absolutely no pressure on them to reciprocate any feelings. Cheeky winks ;P, an increased blink rate, eyebrow flashes, nostrils that are trying to draw in your scent, lip parts, bites and licks, preening, whispers, close distances, touches, etc. are the signals to look out for, and subtly give. If you’re feeling increasingly interested in them then capitalise on any flirts they reveal. Check their feet too and if they’re looking at your lips. Listen out for variations in pitch, which may indicate emotional involvement. Keep your attention exclusively on them. Share your humour!
Don’t be afraid of bodily proximity or contact. Get closer physically to see if they’re comfortable. If not then stay back. If they are then maybe touch their arm, shoulders, hands, face or hair for over three seconds whenever the moment is opportune (like if they blush or if something is on there) and if the body language cues are positive. But it is platonic friendship to more only if the signs are favourable – so never push it or rush it!
Wining (satisfying the stomach) and dining (affectionate touching and stroking), followed by a warm bath (oxytocin and building a trusting bond), will produce the desired feelings. Evoke all the senses and make the date memorable.
Lastly, it’s incorrect to assume that, during any date (which is a social situation), a person paying the bill means that the other person will owe them something, like sex, in return – that’s a market relationship of prostitution except with in-kind benefits (like a meal) instead of cash. Do not mix social norms with market norms! The former makes a romantic partner, while the latter makes a sex worker. (Indeed business dinners typically have one party pay the bill in full, with the hope or expectation that the potential client will give them some business in return.) It’s wrong for either party on a date to make such presumptions – either the person paying the bill thinking that this will pay for sex, or the other person thinking that sex is definitely what the first person wants for offering to pay the bill. It’s best for one party to pay it in full, then the other party to pay for the next occasion (if there’ll be one) in full, and so forth, while not being bothered about one-off or non-life-changing discrepancies concerning who’s paid the most. But if splitting the bills helps to avoid any misunderstandings and promotes equality then this can work if you both agree. Feel free to share with us through the Twitter comment button below what you think about this?
These sorts of things depend also on the cultures of the persons involved though. For instance, some cultures may have gender expectations that males should pay the bills regardless of matters of reciprocation, whereas some other cultures will have both males and females almost fighting to pay the bills and treat the other as the guests. It can also depend on whether the parties are highly unequal in how much they can afford to pay, thus this needs to be taken into account too. Ultimately, whatever happens on any date, like who pays for dinner – these things don’t dictate the terms of the rest of the (potential) relationship.
Woof! Remember to never let your date leave you without you leaving a good impression on them. And right at the end of the first date – ask for the second. Blow them a kiss. Maybe offer a kiss on the lips on the third date? Then see how it all goes, one date at a time…
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