Post No.: 0930
I’m mainly going to discuss heterosexual relationships, and men seeking women, here but most of this could apply to other types of sexualities and relationships too…
Sometimes a rationalisation given by a gal to reject a guy is that the guy was ‘too nice’. But being nice shouldn’t be confused with being weak, indecisive, desperate, servile or lily-livered. Being ‘too nice’ or ‘tries too hard’ is a lame explanation to reject someone – almost as bad is apparently being ‘too qualified’ for a job! Call it obsequious manipulative fawning, or creepy flirting, which are different, if you think it’s that, but don’t try to make someone being nice to you an undesirable trait from them unless you lack self-respect. We should respect ourselves enough to like those who care to put in the thought and effort for us. Those who invest in us are less likely to be unfaithful too because of their sunk costs. And what sort of potential father would he be without conscientiousness if you ever want and have kids?
Or be honest about you being shallow or bigoted because they don’t have your preferred look, wealth, class or ethnicity. Be more candid and just explain that you’re simply not physically attracted to a particular guy who happens to be genuinely nice, and perhaps all you’re looking for is casual sex for now rather than a lasting relationship with anyone. (Consenting over-age causal sex is fine if that’s what you’re into. The same for ethical non-monogamy or consensual polygamy.)
It may even be an incorrect assumption to think someone is asking for too much from you according to what they’re giving you i.e. not everyone who’s very kind to you wants to date you(!) Maybe they’re just treating you as a friend. Meow.
Nice guys don’t come last – it’s people who are too insecure in themselves to accept being treated nicely who come last. Heartfelt compliments and wishes to help aren’t patronising.
If we don’t treat nicely those who are nice to us (we don’t have to sleep with them but we shouldn’t shun them as people, although we should never be pressured to sleep with anyone) then what sort of world are we creating for our children? Society would advance enormously if people rewarded truly nice over superficially pretty or charming people. Good mothers teach their sons to be nice towards women/girls, and sensible fathers would prefer their daughters to go out with considerate rather than abusive or neglectful men/boys.
You’ll know if someone was only ‘pretend nice’ to you because they wanted something from you if they suddenly flip from being a lady/gentleman to being nasty towards you once they realise you’re not going to give them whatever they seek, like your intimacy.
If you’re genuinely a nice man then it’ll work out for you in this modern world because you shouldn’t want a cavewoman who only likes cavemen. Query whether they’re the type of woman you really deserve? Would she have been the right, smart mother for your potential daughters? So keep being yourself if you’re nice – it sorts itself out. No need to become embittered. You had a lucky escape. Just stop going for simple and superficial women. If you do become bitter, jealous or misogynistic and think that ‘all women are x’ though then those women will have been right about you.
Be open if you like someone, they’re available and the signs are positive (the world is full of lonely people afraid of making the first move) but don’t put any pressure on them for romance and take any rejection completely gracefully. If you’re both empathic individuals, you’ll both understand each other’s feelings and that it’s no one’s fault. Be platonic friends or move on. There’ll be someone who’ll love you as you are if you don’t sulk and are genuinely nice (you can cry if you feel hurt but don’t sulk).
Voluntary celibacy is absolutely fine. Involuntary celibacy is also fine as long as you’re not resentful about it. Involuntary celibacy with generalised vitriol against members of the group you wish to date but don’t seem to wish to date you is tragic. It’s also self-reinforcing because being spiteful isn’t attractive!
‘Incels’, or involuntarily celibate males, wonder why it’s the ‘chads’ who seem to get all the girls. The former may even believe they’re superior than the latter thus believe they’re entitled to get the girls. They’re therefore shocked when they don’t. They then turn hateful, misogynistic and blame others for their celibacy. The female equivalent are ‘femcels’. The stories of both incels and femcels are scary for their extreme views on what’s considered attractive and their attitudes on hate and/or violence as the solution to their involuntary celibacy. It’s also tragic for their personal experiences concerning dating, mental health and how they get drawn into online groups that reinforce each other’s attitudes.
A ‘simp’, or someone who does a lot for someone they fancy – can be either a truly nice person (whereby the problem isn’t with them but, if a guy, toxic masculine expectations that regard kind, sensitive, caring and chivalrous guys soft and inferior), or someone who thinks that personal relationships are like market transactions i.e. that one deserves something intimate in return for showering someone with plenty of gifts and attention (whereby the problem is with this misguided attitude). We shouldn’t love someone who doesn’t give us enough effort or doesn’t want us, but giving effort to and wanting someone doesn’t mean you’ll automatically romantically ‘earn’ them.
Lust can make an inexperienced boy dismiss, discount and repeatedly instantly forgive a pretty girl’s foibles and hollowness, and exaggerate her brilliance and goodness, though. And the more this boy invests his heart and other resources into this girl, the less he’ll wish to let the idea of being with her go. She might however be deliberately stringing him along because of the material gifts she’s receiving from him. Bullying ‘simps’ is thus wrong in any case.
The clichéd ‘nice guy plot twist’ wherein the archvillain turns out to be ‘the one you least expected’ (i.e. the seemingly nice character at the beginning was actually the main baddie in the end) in fiction agitates ‘too good to be true’ suspicions. This happens far less in reality but it’s a cheap way of creating a shock revelation in fictional entertainment. The real world is screwed if we’re automatically suspicious of genuinely kind people. If ‘nice guys come last’ then we’re making a not-so-nice society. If being extremely nice is weird then the world is ****ed!
Anchoring and loss aversion are some reasons why the reputations of generally good guys are fragile compared to selfish guys. Relative to our expectations, a good person can only go down and a selfish person can only go up in our estimations. Promise less so that you can deliver more as an unexpected bonus. We like to get more than what we thought we’d get (perceiving getting a bargain triggers our brain’s reward systems) and we hate to get less than what we thought we’d get (perceiving being ripped-off triggers our brain’s pain systems). An elevated person has the greatest height to fall. A pessimist is never disappointed. High expectations are why they say never meet your heroes. But would you rather be with someone who’s good 95% of the time or a ‘bad boy’ who’s only good 50% of the time?
If you have any physical insecurities then perhaps you can use it as a test to see if someone can see past them. And if they can’t then you can do better than being with their dreadfully shallow personality, which will express itself in other ways that’ll hinder the full enjoyment of your life if you were to live with them (e.g. they’ll whinge about other trivial stuff). Again, it sorts itself out.
Another situation that sorts itself out is if we fancy someone who’s currently hooked up with someone else. If they’re willing to cheat on their current partner to get with you then understand that they’re the type to cheat, possibly on you one day – and that should put you right off them now! They should officially leave their current partner before trying to get with you instead of playing the field.
Yet another is if a gold-digger doesn’t desire you then fantastic! (The problem is if you are wealthy and don’t know whether a person who’s interested in you is only really interested in your money.)
So it sorts itself out. Don’t stress over those you ought not to find attractive – whether because they are shallow, don’t value you as you are or don’t treat you well when you’re treating them well. Learn to not be shallow yourself and stop fancying people just because they’re externally attractive – prioritise their personality and compatibility. Looks will eventually fade anyway (or you’ll soon see them without any makeup on!)
Modern, enlightened individuals care more about people’s crucial inner qualities like kindness, calmness, honesty, loyalty and wisdom over superficial traits that people cannot change about themselves or aren’t objectively advantages/disadvantages in life. Modern women don’t need a protector or provider, and modern men can care for the children and home too. Physical attraction is still important but attraction should come from affection.
If they’re also a genuinely good person but reject you then they’ll have their good reasons that you’d understand if you were in their shoes. If it’s you who needs self-improvement then improve yourself (without becoming vain if you do improve your body). Or staying single has its benefits, like total autonomy and not having to constantly wait for others to get ready before going out!
Of course this is all difficult to understand, and perhaps accept with your ‘heart’ even though your ‘head’ knows it all makes sense, when you’ve got certain hormones rushing inside of you. Someone may have just captured your heart and it’s hard to let the idea of them go. It’s not so much raw time that’ll eventually lead you to forget about them but having another, hopefully more enchanting, compatible and available, love interest. So get out there, lift your head up, greet new people and give others a chance. There’s plenty more fish in the sea!
When in love, brain function is suppressed in areas that are involved in rational reasoning and social judgement so that couples can tolerate each other’s minor niggles (e.g. leaving the toilet seat up, their tardiness or untidiness), thus overlooking their faults. (Not a fault but their nasally yet high-pitched voice can start to become associated with their lovely deeper traits and thus even become directly adored over time. But this’ll reverse if you find out they’re not that lovely after all!) Under the infatuation phase, you’ll talk about your significant other as if hearts are streaming out of your eyes!
Love, or especially lust, is arguably irrational or at least makes people behave irrationally. That’s why romance scams are really effective – when the ‘heart’ rules overwhelmingly over the ‘head’, one can do really stupid things that others can easily spot are foolish because they’re not the ones experiencing those emotions. At times, your more rational ‘head’ can even be completely saying no but your more irrational ‘heart’ still says yes, like hanging onto any small percentage of hope that isn’t really there or investing even more time, effort, money, etc. into the other person because of not wanting to write-off the already sunk costs invested into them, or because of the assumption you’ll find no better. We love whom we invest in, as well as invest in whom we love.
And contrary to popular beliefs – men tend to be faster in falling in love, and slower in falling out of love, than women.
But overall don’t worry – someone will love you for who you are if you’re genuinely nice.
Meow. Less than three. <3