Post No.: 0769
Fluffystealthkitten says:
We’ve learnt that under our command are our thoughts and actions. Everything else isn’t – like what others think, how they regard us, how well others do their jobs, their success, their habits, rudeness, and everything else.
So learn to accept, or at least be more serene with, the things you cannot control. Okay, how we treat others will partly shape how they’ll treat us, but we shouldn’t assume their reciprocation is guaranteed. We cannot govern whom loves, forgives or thanks us but we can govern whom and what we love, forgive and show gratitude for – for our own sake.
It’s more likely to cause us harm if we think we can control what we cannot, like if people who experience racism blamed themselves and believed it’s them who need to change to eradicate the discrimination (perhaps by bleaching their skin colour). Even ‘code-switching’ or changing how we talk to please one audience or another, or shifting our identity to try to fit in and avoid being stereotyped, makes us feel inauthentic. It’s an act, thus it’s also exhausting to continually uphold. Whilst sometimes helpful, there are hidden costs for black women adopting a ‘strong black woman’ identity and attitude that ‘nobody can get me down’ because it can lead to them receiving less emotional sympathy from others. In some extreme cases, it leads to what some call ‘John Henryism’ – where grit, perseverance and pushing yourself to the limit to prove others wrong about their judgements about you can be fatal. (This suggests that inequality has a hidden health impact that accumulates over a lifetime.) When something is our fault then we should take charge of it and change, but racism, as one example, is neither the target’s fault nor responsibility.
Problems will arise if we project our fantasy of the ‘perfect partner’ onto someone and over-expect them to fulfil our every need because this ideal is impossible to meet. Rather than change them – accept them as they are; or realise that you both aren’t compatible. If you’re alone and don’t wish to be but everyone else appears to be incompatible with you then you can seek self-improvement because that’s what you can govern. But if someone in particular still doesn’t want you then it’s their business. If you’ve tried your best to be nice then it’d speak about their character (hence you could reframe it as you having a lucky escape – see Post No.: 0717 about reframing maladaptive thoughts away) or circumstances (hence it’s no one’s fault and you both just aren’t meant to be). If you persistently try to get them to like you, you might end up coming across as irritating; and that’d be your fault(!) So don’t pay them more attention than necessary and don’t worry, when lying in bed, wondering whether it was something you said/did that was misconstrued. Don’t beat yourself up.
When we feel out of control but want it, we often feel a compulsion to exhibit it over something – from straightening the scattered papers on our desk when asked a difficult question, to eating disorders or self-harm when there’s something more serious and chronic. Seeking control can therefore sometimes lead to some quite unhealthy behaviours.
Meanwhile, when we let go of the things we cannot command – nothing bad happens! Or at least we don’t make things worse by seeking revenge, harbouring resentment or wasting time and energy fretting over what to do. So tell yourself, “No worries”, “It’s fine” or, “C’est la vie.” It’s not easy to practise but worthwhile to try. Saying, “I’m not bothered” or a rhetorical, “So what?” can be useful in certain contexts.
If a colleague gets promoted and you don’t then it’s fine. This does present a conundrum though – many things are partially under our sway, like negotiating a salary increase. But if we choose to seek a raise then we should concentrate on the parts we can affect (like working as best as we can and ensuring our efforts are visible to those who matter) while mentally finding peace with the rest. So concentrate on your own game, focus on the present, do your best, know you can only do so much – then if you get what you want then great, or if not then it was beyond your influence. It’s like in sports – focus on the present because the past cannot be changed, and on your own game plan and performance rather than on the future result that’s not yet written. The only thing we can change is what we do right now, in the present. We’ll also consequently play better for not being distracted or feeling so much pressure or anxiety. We’ll be focused on the right areas. We might consequently enjoy the game more too. We’ll be less likely to feel like failures because we can only fail if we attempt to command what we cannot.
It doesn’t mean everything will work out for the best, nor does it mean we’re doomed – in stoicism, we just need to reappraise the authority we erroneously think we wield. Despite our best efforts, some things aren’t under our rule but depend on luck, like what others do. (It’s especially odd for those who totally believe in individual liberty (i.e. that no one should even attempt to coerce others) yet simultaneously in having full command of one’s destiny, which would require controlling everyone else so that they’ll give one whatever one wants! We’d have to be a totalitarian overlord of the universe to hold sway over all that affects our outcomes.) There’s no deliberate cosmic design or end goal, grand plan or chief Watchmaker to pray to, either.
So you cannot be the master of luck but you’re the master of your own thoughts and actions. You should therefore take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions. You can perhaps change your desires to find fulfilment in what you currently have instead of don’t have.
There are things we can do like learn, train and be more determined, to improve our chances of success – but this still won’t guarantee it because there are things we cannot be reasonably expected to control, and these things constitute the part that’s called luck. We can be lucky, but luck isn’t our doing thus we can take neither credit nor blame for it. Luck cannot be affected by our actions, otherwise it’s not by definition luck – anything beyond our means to affect or perfectly predict an outcome is determined by luck. And in nature, it’s fortune that rules. (This contradicts the delusional practices of believing that sheer self-belief can allow us to do literally anything we want, just by e.g. visualising ourselves lifting the trophy or lounging on our future private jet.) The human world may seek fairness, yet it nowhere near achieves this either.
Understanding and reframing the positive events that come to us via external sources (like other people or serendipity) as being down to luck makes us feel more grateful. And feeling more grateful is important for our well-being, plus makes us less conceited or self-entitled. Less self-entitlement will in turn mean we’ll receive treats as treats, bonuses as bonuses, instead of behaving like a spoiled brat. Understanding and reframing the negative events that come to us via external sources as being down to luck will mean we’ll beat ourselves up less too.
The things we cannot control can suddenly disappear from our lives. But if we’re indifferent to them then they’ll cause us less pain when they do. Practising such non-attachment to external things also counterintuitively makes us appreciate them more when they’re here because we’ll know they won’t always be around hence they shouldn’t be taken for granted. It also means we’re more prepared for when we’ll lose them. This is the benefit of the occasional practice of fasting or the abstinence of luxuries, and perhaps even mentally rehearsing the loss of everything, including our family and property, in order to learn to value these things more when we do have them in our lives.
Imagine if a specific person close to you suddenly disappeared – how would you miss them? This isn’t about developing an emotional distance from our loved ones but learning to appreciate them even more because we don’t tend to fully appreciate what we’ve got until it’s gone. You’ll subsequently want to spend more quality time with them, tell them how much you love them while they’re here, for knowing that they’re not going to be around forever. Meow.
Well if a love is believed to last truly forever then what’s the point in putting any effort into the relationship? If you neglected your partner – they’d still be there(!) So understanding at least the risk of the finite nature of the love will compel us to treasure them and the present. To treasure something is to hold onto it carefully because it’s precious and could be lost or taken from us. Also, knowing that they’ll one day depart for one reason or another will hopefully lessen the shock and despair when they do. So consider the worst-case as well as best-case scenarios – hope for the best but accept whatever fate brings. This isn’t about fixating on everyone’s mortality (because this’ll bring a melancholy of its own) but about the occasional cognisance of it so that we can acknowledge how lucky we are right now.
This doesn’t mean expressing apathy towards everything that’s outside our unilateral governance e.g. we can still seek social change. It also doesn’t mean we cannot accumulate wealth. You can prefer or seek these things but just don’t get attached to them or the idea. If you get them then fabulous. If not then you shouldn’t miss them. You can be rich without apology but also without arrogance. Whether you have or will get it or not, it’s just stuff at the end of the day, and this stuff doesn’t take charge of your feelings or thoughts – you do.
A problem concerning stoicism, however, is that free will is illusory according to the natural sciences. Neurons and action potentials are physical matter and processes that must obey the laws of physics that we don’t control. Even in the social sciences, are you the master of your own thoughts and actions if you’re on hallucinogenic or addictive drugs?
Yet stoicism – as a human-level well-being philosophy – is still beneficial. If someone else is in distress then we should assist them – but we don’t have to feel their distress ourselves. Our calmness will even allow us to be more effective in helping them.
Naturally, we shouldn’t be self-centred or only self-concerned. Lots of things are in our collective power even when not in our individual unilateral power – hence we should contribute to collective goals too. So e.g. one cannot tackle racism alone – but this doesn’t mean that one should therefore not bother and instead just learn to accept racism in this world. Stoicism teaches us to try our best to affect such external events – but if things don’t happen, or as fast, as hoped then we can protect our own welfare by understanding that no one else is the master of our thoughts and actions but us.
So it’s not saying, “Global warming isn’t under my sole governance thus it must be ignored” but, “I will do my bit and try my utmost to improve matters but I’m ultimately responsible for how I feel about the situation, however it turns out.”
It takes a monumental effort to override the thoughts and feelings brought on from extreme pain, falling in unrequited love, hurtful comments from one’s spouse, etc.. But certainly with past events, like childhood trauma, which have ended (as in you’re not getting abused today or anymore) – we can say, “I’ll let that go now.” It’s these kinds of adaptive thoughts that effective therapies aim to infuse into our mental habits in order to heal us.
Meow.
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