Post No.: 0531
Fluffystealthkitten says:
Fundamentally – in a marriage or long-term relationship – the big life and family goals of both partners must be aligned otherwise they might as well part ways. Problems include if the decision to have and when to have children don’t align, chasing individual ambitions that might mean both people will hardly see each other, or when one must keep following the other despite having her/his own individual dreams.
And there has to be a sense of equality in a relationship – you shouldn’t just feel like you are doing all of the work, and your partner must feel guilty if they cannot drum up the enthusiasm to reciprocate. If they don’t at least show that they want to reciprocate and be equal then it means that they are not interested in you as much as you are in them. If the desire and effort is one-sided then it’s not going to work.
‘Emotional divorce’ is the first sign of trouble, and could lead to actual divorce if it continues. If emotional divorce appears, recognise it and work to reverse it. Do not mistake it with ‘bedding down’ into a relationship, even if on the outside it looks fine – emotional, passionate and romantic connection is important throughout a relationship. It should never become about ‘going through the motions’.
Pay attention to the early warning signs of emotional divorce. There is always communication even in silence – and silence may communicate that there’s emotional divorce so never act in denial if your partner suddenly goes more quiet than usual on you. Silence is not golden here – everything verbal and non-verbal sends a message. Refusing to answer and unwelcome attitudes all mean something, whoever or whatever is the reason. So check what’s up if it looks like your partner is distancing from you emotionally. Let her/him know that you are there for and will listen to her/him.
The problem might not be in your partner or in her/his life (e.g. them being too busy or tired to speak to you) but in you not being sensitive enough to these subtle messages. If she/he constantly doesn’t have the time to listen to you or snaps back whenever you try to speak then that’s a loud and clear message. To be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings – relax in the relationship rather than jump to conclusions, pay fuller attention on your partner to see things more clearly, and don’t delude yourself about or conversely automatically panic about what could be happening behind the surface.
Silence and brush-offs are therefore not good. The early signs of problems will become more obvious if you observe and pay deep attention to your partner. And if you see problems then don’t dismiss them.
If your partner is trying to discourage you from elaborate acts of affection – that isn’t a positive sign either. Their enthusiasm towards you should match yours towards them. She/he should appreciate all of the attention you give to her/him, and vice-versa.
Another warning that emotional divorce is settling in is if you or she/he becomes a ‘score keeper’ in the relationship. No one should feel resentful about doing things for the other because the relationship feels imbalanced in terms of the benefits given and received. In a healthy relationship, you’ll feel so much benefit from being together – you’ll feel greater than how you’ll be on your own – that you’ll not mind doing things for your partner. It’s okay to feel resentful occasionally but it must never persist, especially after these imbalances are pointed out and hopefully resolved.
Yet another sign of emotional divorce is being indirect and not bringing up any issues that definitely exist head on i.e. if you or she/he never say or says exactly what you or she/he thinks. Instead, there are hints or indirect criticism. Tact is absolutely crucial to try to not hurt the other person unnecessarily but in the long run it is better to speak out and speak directly about what’s on your minds.
A ‘no’ always means a ‘no’. But if a ‘yes’ from us sometimes means a ‘no’ then we cannot reasonably blame the other person if they take a ‘yes’ from us as a ‘yes’ from us (unless we were under the influence of some drug or were truly coerced or harassed into giving a ‘yes’). We should, as above, try to read between the lines and pay attention to our partner’s body language and feelings to see if there are any discrepancies between these and their words, and if we don’t know how they’re feeling for sure then we should say so and ask for clarification rather than make assumptions – yet when we’re on the other side, we should not expect other people to read our minds if we’re speaking so cryptically. In a partnership, it takes two to succeed, as well as two to fail (unless domestic abuse is involved). It’s not always ‘their fault’ for not understanding.
To get mad at and hold a (silent) grudge against them because you won’t tell them what something is truly about (and you might even tell them that it’s something else) yet they ‘ought to know’ what you’re truly feeling even though your words contradict your feelings, is unreasonable. Expecting our soul mate to be so in tune with us that they can literally read our minds is unrealistic. (And perhaps we should question why we’re not able to mind-read them to understand that they cannot mind-read us?(!) We need empathy to understand that others cannot read our minds reliably, even though we’re probably thinking they lack empathy for not being able to essentially read our minds reliably(!) This all just demonstrates that it’s so much easier to openly and honestly talk rather than presume what’s in the minds of others or expect others to automatically accurately know what’s in our minds!)
Furrywisepuppy thought the same (not because we can read each other’s minds but because we always chat about stuff!) and he shared lots more tips on how to manage quarrels in relationships in Post No.: 0495.
The non-verbal clues tend to be more truthful than the words in such situations, but this is a tricky area to give generic advice because something that’s obvious to some might not be obvious to others. We’re biased because when we know the correct answer to a question, such as ‘how am I feeling?’, we’re more likely to assume that the question was always easy or is easy for others to answer correctly. Plus like when trying to detect lies, we may correctly understand the emotions and body language that someone is experiencing but we cannot always be sure of the reasons behind them without open and honest dialogue (e.g. someone can be unhappy because of something at work rather than at home, just like someone can be sweating because they’re afraid rather than because they’re lying).
So to be safe, we should openly and honestly talk together about things as soon as it’s reasonable to rather than let problems build up inside of us until they erupt – starting from when they might turn into big problems. The caveat is that we shouldn’t try to find or bring up every minute triviality because that’s not healthy either. Clear communication is key to a successful and healthy relationship. If, after clear and calm communication has been given yet they repeatedly continue to fail to change, and the request for and expectation of change was reasonable, then it’d be fair for us to escalate the issue.
A raised emotional temperature at appropriate times is part of a healthy relationship. Healthy lasting relationships do have stormy patches (but never abuse) so have the courage to confront problems rather than ignore them and hope that they’ll just go away by carrying on as usual. This also gives a chance for needed change, which will preserve the relationship. Meow.
An unreasonable way to escalate matters is to, at a hair trigger, suddenly raise an irrelevant argument. For instance, they leave an unwashed mug in the sink and the complaint about that somehow suddenly leads to you complaining (once more) about the time they arrived home late. It reveals that you’ve been constantly privately harbouring these thoughts but didn’t raise them at the right time, or it’s something you’ve already told them about but you still haven’t moved on or forgiven them for it (bringing up old ****). These harboured thoughts need to come out as soon as possible when one is calmer, not when attached to the next occasion when one is quite angry. These arguments will otherwise not come out as cogent as one flits from one topic to something else that’s totally unrelated. Basically – you most probably wouldn’t like it if they did the exact same thing to you!
So have the courage to speak out when calmer, and give her/him safe opportunities to do so too. Never ignore what could be bubbling below the surface even when on the surface everything looks smooth, fine and dandy. If you want to understand and be understood then listen and talk, talk and listen. Your partner will make sense if you don’t give up on her/him.
Forgiving them then helps you to let go of the past, continue to stick together and move forwards. On balance, our mental health is more important than achieving absolute equality, such as by seeking revenge in order to get even. Forgiveness reveals a profound valuing of people as human beings, which will be reciprocated eventually. It causes less stress, hassle, and it tends to breed reciprocal forgiveness because we’re likely not perfect individuals either. It shows humility, which is attractive. It makes you more empathic, which is also attractive as your partner will feel more confident in opening up and getting close(r) to you. You will seem more humble and less self-righteous. It doesn’t mean being a doormat as you can still assert warnings or retaliations when wronged – it just means you don’t waste energy on pointlessly getting even. And it’s not just for the sake of others – even if you do decide that a full break-up or marital divorce is right, forgiveness is for you most of all, as you fear others less and fear life itself less since you’re able to let hurts easily go. In the bigger picture, the best revenge is happiness too.
Emotional divorce may not on the surface look like the relationship is rocky but when you both cannot acknowledge the important ‘it gets better every year you’re together’ feeling (or at least a ‘it doesn’t feel worse year-on-year’ feeling) then something isn’t right. Do not accept that a plateauing out then decline is inevitable – be more ambitious and seek for more from your relationship together. Once again, a relationship shouldn’t become reduced to just ‘going through the motions’ or bare ‘routine’ (even if you have young children) because there’s a whole lot more to being together!
So never get complacent and never lose that spark or excitement! If you believe that you don’t need to put in the special effort, because you believe that if you two were ‘meant to be’ then it should all continue to fall into place organically without the need for deep deliberate attention or effort, then you’ll find that your relationship naturally won’t last very long at all or the quality will as a matter of course drop. Your high expectations from such low efforts will also surely result in disappointment or divorce too since such unrealistic expectations can never be met. You’ve got to keep working on your relationship to make it feel like it gets better every year…
Meow.
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