Post No.: 0912
Furrywisepuppy says:
Almost every parent would rather raise their children to be happy, moral and compassionate individuals than to be earning six-figure or more incomes – after all, what’s the point of being rich if you’re not happy or able to get on well with others, or other people don’t want you around them?
Yet, in practice, the focus of actions of many parents is to try to raise their children to be monetarily successful rather than instilling the values of happiness and compassion. The mistake is that many parents essentially believe that academic and monetary success and happiness are one and the same thing. Moreover, most children perceive that their parents care more about them being high achievers than being happy or caring towards others.
To not struggle or suffer from poverty, or to attain full independence and the ability to thrive, are important, but most parents do care greatly about the happiness and morality of their children. However, this usually isn’t being communicated well enough to their children, who perceive that their parents think that life success is measured only in getting As and £s rather than in laughter, good health and good deeds. Of course we want our children to not be unintelligent or impoverished hence children should care about their academic grades and aim to create a secure economic foundation for living – but we need to promote this without conveying the message that achievement itself is the thing we value the most. Otherwise it’ll be akin to losing sight that good health and looking good are not 1:1 the same thing, which could promote behaviours that cheat oneself or even work directly against one’s good health, such as constant fad dieting, anabolic steroid abuse or undertaking risky cosmetic surgery.
So we need to remember that proxy measures are not the ultimate goals. We should, at various points in our children’s lives, explicitly communicate our feelings about education, safety, health, morality and a happy life – that our greatest hope is for them to live a life that’s meaningful and for them to be happy and well. We should then make it clear that although achievement cannot buy this, we do value achievement because we want our children to be productive, and doing well in school not only makes this more likely but also opens up more opportunities and thus freedom for us to choose our own unique or desired path, which makes it easier to thrive, be happy and give back to the community. So grades or money are not the true goals in life but they can, up to a point, help us to more likely reach the true goals of leading a happy and moral life. Yet we must never forget what those true goals are.
We want to achieve or be able to buy certain things because we believe these proxy measures will bring us the ultimate goal of happiness. Yet if we’re happy regardless of all else – perhaps because we’ve learnt to be confident in our own intrinsic furry worth and content with what we extrinsically have – then we’d logically already have reached that ultimate goal in life. It’s like why would one feel the need for cosmetic surgery if one was confident in one’s own skin regardless of how one looks? Or why would one yearn for expensive clothes when one feels content in less expensive attire?
So we need to raise more confident and content kids. We also need to raise more considerate and compassionate kids.
Now some children who are raised to share can be too eager to, for instance, hand everyone sweets even though some adults don’t really want them, and will feel confused if an adult doesn’t take a sweet and stick it in their mouths immediately because sweets are so desirable to the child. So children do need to understand that generosity isn’t about forcing others to have things the child might like but asking if someone would themselves like something first. This includes help, because a child who’s too eager to help can come across as ruining other people’s fun by blurting out answers to questions before others have had a chance to think about them for themselves. So raise a child to understand that kindness primarily involves thinking from the perspective of the recipient rather than going through the mere motions of handing things out or giving people answers.
Although we should generally praise good efforts and processes (e.g. good decisions, good intentions, good methods, good application) rather than good outcomes (since things outside our control can scupper even our best efforts, and you shouldn’t praise a person who intended to shoot you but ended up missing and hitting someone else behind you who was about to stab you!) – sometimes, especially for children around the age of 8 when they’re forming their moral identities, praising their kind character rather than just their kind behaviour works better to instil kindness habits. For example you could say, “You’re a very helpful person” along with, “That was a very helpful thing to do.”
But do continue to criticise bad behaviours rather than bad characters. For example by saying, “That was a bad thing to do” instead of, “You’re a bad person.” People who feel guilt are more likely to be remorseful than those who feel shame because if they feel that being bad is part of their character then they’re less likely to think that their behaviour can be altered. Maybe you could follow up by saying, “You’re a good person and I know you can do better.”
Better than saying, “I’m proud of you” after a child achieves something good, which could sound patronising or make it sound like it’s all about pleasing you – say, “Well done! Tell me more about it”, “Congratulations! You must feel…” or, “That’s brilliant! What did you do to make that happen?” These sorts of responses allow them to relive the happy moment and reflect on what they did so that they can repeat the feat again. You can still show your appreciation for them and their efforts by saying, “I admire…” or a genuine, “I’m proud of you!”
‘Tough compassion’ is sometimes what’s needed to get people to do what’s for the greater good, or their own good, when softer methods don’t work. Sometimes in order to reduce total suffering, we need to experience or deal a little discomfort today. This is intuitive for most parents when they make their children finish their homework before playing videogames for instance.
Unpopular choices are often required, without going too far. In practice, on an interpersonal level, this means showing that you value someone as a person while disagreeing openly with what they’re doing or saying. Engage with people without trying to shame them into submission since this could produce a backfire effect. Telling stories using third-person characters can convey moral messages without sounding like a personal attack on whom we’re addressing. Show how a change would benefit them personally as well as the community or the world.
The other person may still thwart your efforts because they don’t want to listen or change their mind – so anticipate this and prepare some potential responses in case of such scenarios. If you fail to anticipate their resistance then remarks or ridicules against your attempts to convince them to change could cause you emotional frustration, anger and you might end up becoming the unreasonable and incoherent interlocutor! However – regarding adults rather than kids, and for your own safety or well-being – it can be better to walk away if you know that they’re not going to genuinely listen or consider the greater good or their own good.
While we’re trying to raise fair and moral kids – in a world that isn’t always fair, moral, peaceful or pain-free – do talk about traumatic events with your children, like after witnessing a terrorist attack on the news or when experiencing bereavement. Initiate the conversation rather than assume that they’re coping internally – just because children aren’t talking about a tragedy, it doesn’t mean they’re not likely thinking about it. And without factual information, the child’s fears and fantasies are usually much more frightening and disturbing than the truth.
Encourage them to share their feelings, even if it’s in a non-verbal way (e.g. via drawing, writing, singing, play). Share your feelings too but only if you can communicate that you can handle whatever it is you’re feeling (e.g. no expressions of rage or despair). Find out what they know and what they want to know. Listen to them. Reassure them (e.g. that there are many more good people than bad people in the world, that you’ll always be there for them). Find and focus on the positives. Encourage them to take action so that they can gain a sense of control over the situation. And know when to seek outside help.
…How to change nappies, the daily routine and the like will easily come with experience come the time you need to do those things. But the scientific stuff on child development cannot be gleaned from personal experience alone, unless you plan to conceive a decent sample size of children and trial-and-error raise them all in various ways in order to scientifically figure out which parenting methods are optimal – by which time it’d be too late for those children who received the short straws and were raised by sub-optimal methods(!)
So we cannot just rely on our personal experiences to raise our children the best way we can – where possible, everyone should ideally study the science of parenting and child development before considering having a child, as well as maintain their education when they have a child, rather than jumping in and hoping to be lucky. The key is from reputable sources of education though because the web is littered with old wives’ tales and false expertise.
We cannot just rely on our instincts because one’s instincts may sometimes be harmful for one’s child (e.g. corporal punishment, or you better not gripe about them being ‘lazy’ when they begin to phase-delay their sleep times as an adolescent!)
Yet there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. The right attitude is understanding that, whether parent or not, we’re all ‘works in progress’ i.e. we’re not the finished article hence we should always remain hungry to learn more and grow. This resilient attitude will also rub off on your children as they see that mistakes are opportunities to adapt and improve too.
It also takes a lot of courage (and frankly intelligence) to admit as a parent that one needs to turn to help, so this should be admired too – it’s far worse to perpetually pretend that one knows what’s best, or to believe that there’s no other way or nothing can be changed, when one is struggling and one’s child isn’t behaving as one had hoped. Resilience doesn’t mean doing things alone. It also builds a community of support and opportunities, which will help your children in the long term. Independence shouldn’t mean being individualistic either – we need to give back to the fluffy community that raised us.
Parenting isn’t easy, and all parents have good days and bad days. Some frustration is normal and expected (just like one should expect to lose some sleep with a newborn baby) but if one constantly feels the need to do things to ‘de-stress’ from daily parenting then that’s even more reason to improve one’s parenting skills.
Everybody has an opinion regarding the right and wrong ways to raise children though, and you’ll hear them all when you first become a parent yourself! So I suppose if you have anything to say about how to best raise children then you could use the Twitter comment button below.
Woof. You may find it easier to forgive your parents when you become a parent yourself because then you learn that parenting isn’t always easy!
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