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Post No.: 0802exciting

 

Fluffystealthkitten says:

 

If you’re looking for love, devote your energies to fully engaging with life and all it has to offer. The more you’re enjoying yourself, the more fun you’re having – the more appealing you’ll become! We all wish to share a life with someone who’ll offer something exciting to a relationship rather than someone who’ll only take. You want to have a kind of life that others will want to share.

 

So life doesn’t begin after you meet the right person – life beings now. Life has to be fulfilling before you can attract the person of your dreams. Don’t therefore try to find the right person – be the right person and one day the right partner will be irresistibly drawn to the qualities they find in you.

 

For most people this means portraying that you are fun and enjoy having fun – be exciting in their eyes! Sell yourself as exciting and having an exciting life. Live with variety and some spontaneity. Let them associate you with smiles, laughs and shared pleasurable and exciting sensory experiences, as much of the time as you can. (But please don’t go into financial debt over it.)

 

A dating profile picture that shows personality is best, like one that shows you doing something exciting or interesting. Is there something quirky about you? Depending on what it is, it could be extremely alluring to some. Post No.: 0785 looked at the science of attraction too.

 

Emphasise what those whom you fancy are looking for, whilst keeping low what they may not be. For heterosexual men, this usually means taking risks, showing bravery, dominance, being adventurous, a ‘loveable rogue’, macho and heroic, standing up for what you think is right, following your heart, and being ambitious and industrious. Riskier, more physical, sports are rated as sexier. This appears intuitive – adolescent males usually behave cordially and with moderate displays of courage around other males, but then as soon as a pretty female is watching, they can suddenly and predictably amplify their bravado in order to try to impress that female! Heterosexual women may say they only desire noble qualities like kindness, intelligence, honesty and commitment but they value other things highly too, like status and wealth. However, that may only speak about some women, and not all women are like that – just like all men aren’t the same. Virtually everything in this post is a generality and exceptions abound. Male chivalry is admired by some females and not by others who may view it as patronising – but, really, women are allowed to be chivalrous towards men in return too if they want. I’d rather see an equality of courteousness than discourteousness. Meow.

 

Many of us on either side though – me included – hate it but games are inevitably played during dating. Such games can include highlighting one’s desirability yet unavailability. That’s why celebrities are so desirable for many people – they constantly, carefully and selectively portray how desirable they are in the media, yet are unattainable for most people. Desirability is increased when someone/something is more rare, harder to obtain, less available or considered fur-bidden. Out of a bowl of sweets full of one colour except for one sweet that’s a different colour, we’ll tend to find that different coloured sweet more desirable simply because it’s more scarce.

 

All else being equal, the denial of something you want will only make you want it more. So beware of such manipulations of your feelings, like someone blowing hot then cold, that may be driving your desire – don’t desire something just because you can’t have it. Also, if you employ a ‘play hard to get’ strategy, this isn’t good with someone you fancy because this expresses coldness – so portray yourself as unique yet show enthusiasm for them. Show that you’re discerning yet you choose them. Don’t do all of the running or make them do so – make the chase roughly equal. Show that you’re interested and available but not blatantly desperately available(!) Be totally interested in them as well as lead an interesting and exciting life away from them.

 

Moderate levels of arousal at the beginning of a relationship are better than high levels. Over-possessiveness or jealousy is undesirable to most. ‘Steady moderation’ in sexual attention is best to maximise attractiveness. Do this by subtly teasing them. Arouse sexual desire without the intention of fulfilling it! Make them feel like the woman/man they are and be the woman/man you are. Be sexy and make them feel real sexy. Show that you do actually want them without actually saying so or going too far too quickly.

 

Although people tend to go out with others who appear equally as desirable as them – try to make yourself appear more desirable than them, as if they’re the one ‘punching above their weight’. They should need you more than you need them.

 

Whether we wish to accept it or not, the ‘game of love’ is full of conscious and unconscious manipulations, whether we regard them as fair or foul – from the makeup that women and some men wear, the perfumes and aftershaves, the choices of gifts, the dewy eye contact, the tender skin contact, the careful choice of words and the controlled images people try to curate on their social media pages, how many previous sexual partners to admit to having, and so on. From one perspective, it’s someone putting in the effort to win or maintain the affections of someone else, and this effort should be commended. But from another, it ultimately involves plenty of trying to exploit someone else’s emotions with potential pretensions, exaggerations or even outright lies!

 

You cannot force someone to love you but you can manipulate them by exploiting their intuitions – just like fancy commercial adverts cannot force us to buy something but they (definitely intentionally and wilfully in this case) try to manipulate us into doing just that by using various psychological tricks like exploiting the halo effect or promoting fear then hope. Adverts could just instead be plainly factual and to the point but we accept that it’s part of the game to use sexy models and catchy ditties. It’s up to you to decide which it is – just surrender to and enjoy the ride or be wary of everyone’s actions and intentions?..

 

You could just be yourself. You may fool someone for a short while but you cannot uphold a false façade forever. (Although beware of biases like the sunk cost fallacy that make a person stick with someone for longer than is healthy once they’re with them, even though they’re not right for them.) And recognise or remember – with any technique you may use – do you want to attract those sorts of simple, suggestible and/or superficial people who can be easily manipulated?! Do you want them to be genetically and parentally the mother/father of your children?

 

However – trite advice like ‘just be yourself’ or ‘you do you’ should only apply if you aren’t severely lacking in confidence, or deplorable or have some other obnoxious trait(!) In which case don’t be yourself – surely try to improve yourself!

 

In general, liking lots of other people will mean people will like you. But in a romantic context – potential dates want to feel special and won’t find it attractive if you desire many other people (i.e. playing the field!) Discovering that an appealing person really likes you seems to awaken reciprocal romantic feelings. And if someone especially likes you more than anyone else in the world, then the reciprocal effect is even stronger and more exciting.

 

There’s no definite evidence that humans have specific pheromones that influence sexual attraction or arousal. Even if humans do give off pheromones (I can tell you that different people certainly smell different!) and can sense them – it’s clear that human attraction is more complex compared to with other mammals, and being able to sense compatible pheromones that signal genetic diversity would only play a minute role compared to other factors. More practically, it’s better to just smell clean.

 

For most, babies are what it’s all about – so show that you’ve got healthy genes and can stably provide. However, heterosexual women can prefer different potential mates depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle – during ovulation, more ‘stereotypically masculine’ mates are typically preferred but only as short-term partners (women also tend to wear more revealing outfits and are flirtier during this time); while at other times, a more dependable and lasting mate is preferred (women tend to be least flirty during menstruation). These findings aren’t without dispute though.

 

The reason why a wandering eye is problematic is because attraction is relative. We don’t make absolute judgements but compare our options. So someone is personally rated as ‘pretty’ or ‘ugly’ not in absolute terms but relative to whoever else is being presently brought to mind. It’s just like we might think we’re fast, until we think about another animal that’s faster.

 

So if you want to appear more attractive in a bar – stand next to someone who’s slightly less attractive than you! Hang around with slightly less prepossessing people to look better in comparison; especially people who look a bit similar to you. This concerns ‘discrete choice theory’. Sometimes someone will only appear more beguiling to us than they otherwise would because they’re the only option or two there, like the only female or two in the halls of residence, or the only male or two in the office.

 

Alternatively hang around with famous people to associate yourself with them and their perceived values (basking in reflected glory). Or bring a cute cat, dog or baby animal (if we consent!) If you’re a heterosexual male, get a female friend to introduce you if possible, because women tend to trust women more and it’ll seem like at least one female has validated you as safe. The sense of approval by others is also a major reason why popular people or brands are generally trusted more – although their carefully crafted public images may not reflect the darker truth behind the PR. Some women find men who are already attached more attractive, maybe for the same reason.

 

Being sexually attracted to one’s partner is absolutely important. But sexual attraction doesn’t always come instantly – it can grow over time as we get to know someone better. So don’t be fixated on the notion that it must be ‘instant chemistry’ or never anything at all.

 

Exciting heart-fluttering bewitchment can induce feelings of anxiety – the insecurity of ‘does she/he fancy me?’ Nothing can make you feel more insecure than fancying someone who might not fancy you back. But if you can reframe your physiological feelings from ‘she/he’s exciting’ to ‘I don’t know where I stand with her/him?’ then perhaps someone who’s blowing hot and cold is manipulating your feelings? You’re better off with someone who’s more present and attentive.

 

But lust makes us obsessed about someone. You’ll not be able to stop thinking or fantasising about them, about how to win their heart if you’re not with them, and about how your life ahead will be together. You’ll be running through possible scenarios in your mind about what you’d do and how you’d be together; along with the fears and doubts it won’t happen, and the jealousies if others get closer to them. Infatuation. Every emotion. Constantly, whatever you’re doing. You’ve got it bad! And, let’s not beat around the bush, you’re like a dog with a bone (you can choose your own interpretations of those sayings!)

 

That’s until you settle into a more sustainable sense of love or appreciation, discover something that totally turns you off them, or the feeling fades because of some greater distraction – which might be someone else who grabs your interest more(!)

 

Initial chemistry or spark or not though, the best relationships are those that get better over time – so the slow burn tends to be better in the long run…

 

Meow.

 

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