Post No.: 0889
Fluffystealthkitten says:
The occasional row is pretty much inevitable in any family relationship or friendship – it’s how they’re handled and how we mend any rifts that most matters. It should be logical that the more time we spend, especially closely, with someone, the more chance we’re going to have disagreements or conflicts with them – friends will have more moments of conflict and mending than non-friends. It’s because we don’t care if we don’t mend our relationships with non-friends – we won’t likely see them again, and in turn we won’t likely argue with them again!
Relationships therefore shrink to the size of the field of repair. Seeking to mend a relationship is a time of vulnerability, but this very desire to mend a relationship tells the other person that you value their relationship. Therefore the love is expressed in the repair! Strong, confident and farseeing people apologise to restore the peace even if both sides were wrong and the other side doesn’t apologise first or at all.
Firstly, calm yourself down, then acknowledge that you did or said something hurtful, regardless of whether the wrongdoing was unintentional or not. Then express sincere remorse, which can be as simple as sincerely saying you’re sowwy and nothing more, in a way that acknowledges the hurt caused and makes amends.
Don’t undo it with a defensive ‘but…’ or blame them for being overly sensitive or deserving of what happened to them. It’s not about how you think they ought to have felt but how they did feel, hence to deny their feelings is to demonstrate that your remorse is fake. Yet don’t be too obsequious with your apologies either. It can be non-verbal through your actions.
Offer a brief explanation but only if it’ll benefit the wounded person because, after all, the apology is for them rather than for you. A good apology is one that isn’t just said because someone else told one to say it e.g. when a sibling apologises to another just because a parent forced them to. And express a genuine intention to remedy the situation and prevent it from happening again. If amends can be made or if something one broke can be fixed then one should make those amends and mend what was broken, or offer to do so first in case the other person doesn’t want you to touch something again. Forgive yourself too if you’re beating yourself up over the situation.
This applies to all kinds of contexts like with romantic partners, friends or business colleagues – conflict is more than just a disagreement. (Post No.: 0798 focused specifically on collaborative ways of handling disputes at work.) It’s a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat, whether that threat is real or not. It can arise from differences in values, views, desires or ideas – both big or trivial. When they appear apparently petty – understand that behind them is going to be some deeper, unfulfilled need that’s bothering the person, like the need to feel respected and valued. They trigger strong emotions. They’re also responded to based on our perceptions more than via an objective review of the facts. They’ll continue to brew if ignored and not resolved; but if they are resolved, they can actually be opportunities for learning and growth. It can even make a relationship stronger for knowing that it can survive such trials and tribulations. Meow.
We therefore must not be afraid of conflict – if we enter situations already feeling threatened, we’re more likely to either shut down or fulminate with anger. Yet pick your battles – some issues aren’t worth the frustration e.g. surrendering a chair when there are other chairs around.
Unhealthy ways to handle disagreements include an inability to recognise and respond to things that matter to the other person; explosive, angry, hurtful and resentful reactions; withdrawing respect, which results in rejection, isolation, shaming and possibly leaving; an inability to see the other person’s side or to compromise; and expecting a bad outcome and thus avoiding facing the dispute.
Meanwhile, healthy ways to handle disagreements include having the capacity to empathise with the other person’s viewpoint; calm, non-defensive and respectful reactions; a readiness to forgive and move past the conflict without resentments; an ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing; and believing that facing a dispute head on, but with the priority of resolving it and maintaining or even strengthening the relationship rather than trying to ‘win’ or ‘be right’, is the best thing for both sides.
You may not even be aware you’re stressed, but stress interferes with our ability to resolve disputes because we become tunnel-visioned and unable to hear what someone else is really saying, to accurately read their body language, to be mindful of our own feelings, and to articulate our needs or wants clearly.
So successful conflict resolution involves remaining alert yet calm (the use of a quick stress relief technique like taking deep breaths and counting to 10 can help); being able to control your own emotions and thus behaviour as well as to correctly read or listen to the emotions and feelings and not just words of others (emotional intelligence); watching your own non-verbal communication signals; being mindful and respectful of any differences; perhaps employing humour to deescalate stresses where appropriate (as long you’re laughing with the other person, not at them); and having ideally a ‘collaborator’ style of negotiation (someone who is self-assured yet also cooperative and looks to expand the pie before seeking a win-win solution).
Listen to other points of view, ask questions to understand the background of the squabble better, explore the options that focus on the future rather than the past, and test or check that the chosen solution will be workable for all. Then summarise the parties’ positions to resolve the case and bring the mediation to an appropriate close.
Focus on what you can do now and on doing what’s best for the present and the future rather than begrudging the past and assigning blame – the past cannot be changed now. Be willing to forgive, which will be for your own mental benefit too e.g. you’ll sleep better at night rather than ruminate on revenge. And know when to let something go and move on – ‘agree to disagree’ if you cannot come to a fluffy agreement.
So approach disputes positively. Don’t be afraid of them. Know that, with the right attitude and approach, you can talk openly and honestly about any altercation or sensitive matter on your minds and both come out not with any resentment but with the same amount of warmth or camaraderie as before – or perhaps with an even greater understanding and respect for each other. It’s good to talk (but not shout).
And what’s sulking going to do? Be proactive in solving the problem. Otherwise let it go.
If you know you’ve messed up when doing something for someone else – have empathy, listen, search for mutual agreement and concentrate on the solutions.
Some parents however think they’re always right and fear that apologising to their children will concede power to them. But parents should never feel that it’s beneath them to apologise to children – as your children grow up, they’ll respect you less if you find it hard to apologise to them for the hurt you’ve caused them. They’ll learn to copy your stubborn example too – so don’t expect them to ever sincerely apologise to you if you cannot ever sincerely apologise to them!
Being experienced with mending relationships should be a part of everybody’s social and personal development – just like it’s better to have expected and experienced a few cuts and grazes while in the skate park, and learning to cope with them, than to never have experienced any cuts or grazes at all. (Prevention is however still better than a pattern of having a lot of squabbles and then making up again each time in intimate relationships. There must be a limit to how many or how severe the arguments get because one could be in an unhealthy, coercive, controlling or abusive relationship.)
Playing together again, sharing, taking turns, compromising, warm and affectionate moments, and generally respecting and enjoying each other’s company once more, are examples of signs of mending. So it doesn’t always have to be direct or verbal.
Stonewalling, silent treatments, and an over-reliance on power and authority, are examples of things that can harm and won’t mend a relationship. Silence communicates too, hence consider how they might be receiving what you’re communicating in your body language and vocal tone, as well as words.
If you’re unsure about someone’s motives – ask for clarity in a non-accusatory fashion rather than assume that they’re ill-intentioned. Likewise, if we think we might have hurt someone unintentionally, ask and check – catching miscommunications, misattunements and mistakes early can help. Be alert to any subtle attempts from someone trying to mend a relationship with you – it might be a small gesture or even a look or expression of remorse, a reconnection or a ‘are we okay now?’ smile on their face. They can be so easy to miss. It might also be good to normalise explicit requests like, “Can we redo that again?” or, “I want to mend this.”
Frame any requests with positive language i.e. state what you want them to do, not what you don’t. Spend quality time together. Notice and appreciate out loud the good in them. When a relationship is already positive then we’re less likely to read any ambiguous moments as ill-intentioned, and any conflicts will be easier to mend. It’s therefore wise to proactively tend to the quality of your relationships rather than hope that you never have an argument with someone.
Your furry loved ones may irk you at times! But remember that they’ve been there, and perhaps are still there, in your life so you haven’t been lonely. (Even those not so close to you have been a part of your life e.g. the musicians we liked the songs of, the parcel and fast food deliverers, etc..) They’ve all shaped you, inspired you, infatuated you, made your life easier, allowed you to do what you want to do, and helped make you who you are today. Consider also that they, like you, just wanted and want to be loved, and they have their own insecurities, failures and foibles. But they have been there in your life and we can be thankful towards them.
We’ve also possibly left our mark on them too through the fleeting words we said or the actions we did. So wonder for a moment how your life would’ve been more difficult without them in your life? Wonder for a moment if they had suddenly disappeared right now and what you would miss?
And when someone explicitly or implicitly forgives you and wants everybody to move forwards – do just that! Yes there may be a temptation to think that they haven’t really forgiven you and are just trying to get you to shut up, and they’re actually going to hold the incident against you forever but in private. And you might feel dissatisfied that you haven’t explained, and they haven’t comprehended, your point or the misunderstanding fully yet. But it’s silly to refuse the peace and bring it back to arguing.
Indeed, if you are the forgiver then don’t hold the incident against the other person in the future, and do genuinely move on yourself.
Meow. In brief, both disagreements and arguments are virtually inevitably going to occasionally arise in any close and long-term relationship – we’re logically less likely going to personally quarrel with someone who’s far away, we don’t see, hear or isn’t ever in our way (many people realised that the amount of quarrels at home increased when they spent lockdowns with someone more than they were used to!) – but it’s about how we handle any differences of opinion and mend any cracks.
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