Post No.: 0698
Furrywisepuppy says:
Some say ‘it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ – but try telling that to someone who’s still reeling from a break-up(!)
A broken heart isn’t just metaphorical – for adults aged 30+ at least, the risk of developing a heart attack is elevated within the first year after a romantic break-up. The pain of heartbreak, or loss in general, affects the same parts of the brain as physical bodily pain.
Parts of the brain associated with the woofdrawal symptoms of addiction also light up, and this may explain the obsessive thoughts revolving around the ex, the constant checking up on their socials, the long and emotional voicemails or emails, and the contriving of opportunities to meet them again like showing up at their workplace unexpectedly. Dopamine and noradrenaline/norepinephrine floods the brain, which makes people act like they’re in a threatened state, maybe because people are vulnerable after being dumped and thus left alone. Social animals instinctively need others around for safety and survival. Then as resignation sets in, the levels of these neurotransmitters plummet, which can lead to depressive symptoms.
So heartbreak is linked with clear physiological symptoms. It’s even claimed that certain wild animals can die directly as a result of heartbreak, grief or loneliness. Although it’s facile to advise people to ‘let it go’, this can be very tough to do. It’s like one becomes trapped inside a mental loop, as a stuck record thinking about the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’, and hanging onto the slimmest glimmer of hope of getting back together.
First of all, get out of sight anything (on computer and physically) that reminds you of your ex. Don’t check their social media – unfollow them if you cannot remain as just platonic friends. (Opposite-gender platonic friends can be great for getting advice on future relationships, albeit maybe exes aren’t the best for this.) Step back and point out their flaws. Maybe think bad things about them! (They were not ‘the one’ and you can do better.) And distract yourself by doing and thinking things that have nothing to do with them (e.g. you might need to play songs that don’t remind you of your time together, at least for the moment).
Don’t deny your feelings. You could try expressive writing to gain some perspective on and meaning from the situation, and to offload what’s on your mind so that you can close that chapter and welcome in a new one in your life with a sense of agency. Don’t send these thoughts to your ex though – consider deleting them once you’re done.
A new hairstyle or interior design might also signify a new start too? One tub of ice cream is okay but far better ways than chronic comfort eating or ‘retail therapy’ for reducing your distress is to exercise, take regular walks or cycles amongst nature, and try meditation. You might find cycling, rowing or otherwise exercising on a static machine at anything other than quite a high intensity will still allow your mind time to possibly ruminate on unhelpful memories though. Weight training is thus better. But going outside where and when possible is best for the changing scenery. You might encounter some awe experiences. And you might meet someone new too!
Loving touch can soothe pain so hugging a cuddly toy or furry pet could be a saviour – woof woof! Warm drinks and hot baths might partly help soothe the pain of loneliness. Rebound sex can be good or bad depending on whether or not you’ll loathe yourself afterwards.
Seek supportive social contact, by turning to your wider social network. (See Post No.: 0595 to understand the value of different social ties.) And find and do something with a huge sense of purpose and meaning to you – volunteering is one of the best interventions to prevent the negative effects of loneliness. The aim is to actively contribute towards (re)building some optimism about the state of the world.
What will work for you will be personal so it’s worth being open to new experiences in case you find the thing(s) that’ll work for you. It may take weeks, months, or years – but the passage of time, when coupled with doing new productive things, seeing new perspectives and meeting new people, will eventually heal you…
Rejections, just like break-ups, are nothing less than painful too. Rejection is brutal because it deals a direct blow to our ego. It reduces us to lesser versions of ourselves if we’re emotionally attached to the person who snubs us. Well we’ll experience no problems with rejection if we feel no emotion towards the source of rejection – only if we emotionally cared about them, which we logically would have if we fancied or loved them.
We therefore start to blame ourselves, start assuming that there must be something wrong with us, and we criticise the behaviour that apparently led to our rejection – even if we didn’t really do anything wrong (e.g. all we did was prefer painting miniatures to going out).
Being denied by a love interest is the most painful kind of rejection – we’re grieved by a deep sense of bitterness and spite, both against the other person and against ourselves. This shows us that the opposite of love isn’t hate or anger but indifference, or emotional divorce. We may also ironically feel a stronger desire towards the rejecter than ever before, thus leading potentially to a vicious cycle of ‘the more one is rejected, the more one thinks about and wants the rejecter’ thus we may refuse to give up, at least so fast.
Thus bizarrely, the less you care about someone, the more they may care about you; and the more you care about someone, the less they may care about you! This gives rise to the ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ approach, which may work for some – but I would regard this as game-playing and not for relationships built on true and sustainable love. Perhaps it works though because it exploits the crude instinct of desire, similar to how exotic and expensive cars are considered more desirable than clean water (in places where clean water is easily accessible)? Desire isn’t based on necessity or what’s healthy but on the heuristic of how difficult to obtain something is. Whatever the reason, doubling down isn’t normally adaptive in the context of romantic rejection.
To change your perceived impression of rejection – you must first fortify your self-worth. Don’t take rejection personally – it often has nothing to do with you. The other person may simply be too busy, be stressed out for other reasons or have a complicated life that they don’t want you involved in. After all, you may have rebuffed many people and offers in your own life and they’ve not been personal on the other party. They could be prejudiced and/or insecure and have their own private issues.
To halt a crush that cannot or won’t be requited, we should separate the person from the positive qualities we admire about them. So if you like someone because of their kindness then it’s kindness, rather than this individual, that you appreciate. You’ll then notice that others are or can be kind too. You might also cultivate more kindness from yourself. Once separated, you might even start noticing their less-than-endearing qualities because no one’s that perfect. He/she isn’t the only person in the world who is/was kind so if you lose him/her then it’s not the end of the world. So to banish the unhealthy envy or idolisation of people – value qualities.
This isn’t so much for if you’re in a healthy relationship because you don’t want to start thinking that others may have more of a particular quality you admire. Yet this process could nevertheless help you to appreciate that your partner still possesses positive qualities even while they’re annoying you or you’re arguing with them! It’s not him/her you hate in this case but his/her not-so-great qualities.
Remind yourself of your own amazing traits too – they’re the one missing out on you and so you’re better off being without someone who cannot appreciate the full spectrum of your wonderful being! However, although it might’ve been nothing to do with you and there was nothing wrong with you regarding a particular rejection because you both were just simply incompatible (perhaps because he/she preferred blondes and you’re not blonde) – you should still remain humble and always aim for self-improvement in productive and adaptive ways. After all, everyone has room for improvement. (This doesn’t mean something like dyeing your hair blonde, unless the reason is for you and you alone, but something like learning how to cook if you can’t cook or getting fitter if you’re not in good shape.)
Viewing rejection as necessary and even positive will help you to overcome it much more easily. See it as part of the training to become more resilient; so don’t be afraid to put yourself out there for rejection again. Success is, after all, being able to pick yourself up to try again and again without loss of enthusiasm.
You’ll also learn more about the type of person you want. For instance, you mightn’t want to put up with the same kind of person that you were attracted to for shallow reasons again!
Basically, don’t take rejection as a sign that you’re fundamentally unlovable. He/she was just one person, or they were just one type of people who weren’t right for you if you’ve been spurned many times. If you did something wrong that led to the snub or break-up then you should learn from that, but know that there are many people who will accept you if only you keep looking, and perhaps broaden your horizons.
Although it’s hugely romantic and possibly the adaptive attitude to take when you’re securely in a relationship with someone – it otherwise doesn’t help to think that there is only one possible ‘soul mate’ for you in this entire world. Give up on the idea in order to not give up on yourself. There is only one when you’re with someone, but there are many potentials when you’re (back) in search of the one. And if you’ve ever managed to surrender your heart to someone, you can again for another.
There are many reasons for rejection or a split, and they’re not always personal even though it can feel deeply so. And at the end of the day, forgiveness is beautiful and hate is unattractive – so forgive everybody as soon as the dust settles, for your own sake if nobody else’s.
It’s an opportunity to meet someone else even better – someone who’s more compatible with you – and then you’ll be grateful for that rejection. It was an extremely lucky escape!
Okay, wise words won’t always stop the bleeding but time, support and a better love interest will eventually heal you. There’s arguably no better way to forget someone than to fall in love with someone else. And if you’ve managed to find one person in this world of billions whom you thought was ‘the one’, after only getting to really know much less than a hundred thousand people in your life so far – then the chances are well in your favour to find another! Ultimately, look up and forwards and realise there are others who have their good qualities, and maybe much more. You can use the Twitter comment button below to share your own words of wisdom on the topic too.
Woof! The path to any kind of success is paved with many failures and rejections. Letting go of a failure is the very first step towards finding success elsewhere. The key is to give other people and things a chance, as you’d hope others would give you a chance; because only one person or type of people has or have rejected you – not the entire world.
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