Post No.: 0952
Furrywisepuppy says:
Punishments for children like smacking (or worse) are wrong and less effective than rewarding them when they perform desirable behaviours. Yet instilling discipline is important – we cannot just let kids (or adults) do absolutely whatever they like or get away with inconsiderate or unsafe behaviours. There must be rules and some discipline to correct disobedience.
What you want is a reputation for fair strictness despite having only dealt few punishments – most ideally no more than once. For this, you must clearly beforehand describe what the consequences will be for specific undesirable behaviours, and then follow through with those consequences as soon as those behaviours occur. And 5 minutes should mean exactly 5 minutes. Avoid nagging or lecturing. Instilling discipline doesn’t require speaking many words – just do what you’ve already said you’d do.
Explain what you want them to do and why in a clear, commanding voice whilst explicating the unambiguous consequences (the rewards or punishments that shouldn’t be violent like smacking) if they do or don’t do it. Ensure it is heard, understood and accepted i.e. crouch down to meet them eye-to-eye and ensure their attention is on you – it’s not a fair warning if it isn’t registered. Then move on, back to being mellow with them.
If they succeed then administer the reward, or if they fail then administer the punishment firmly but without an aggressive tone. Then, once they’re calm, explain why that happened. You can savour the rewarding moments, but once any punishment has been dealt – move on, back to being relaxed with them.
And be very consistent with all this. Rewards can be given as surprises (they can work even better this way), but punishments should never be arbitrary and rules should never be retroactively applied (well imagine yourself going to jail for doing something that wasn’t illegal when you did it but only became illegal afterwards!) They will learn a clear cause-and-effect pattern from a consistent pattern. Inconsistency will be like playing on a slot machine – people may take their chances to see if they can get away with something.
Have real empathy for them – children are efficient learning machines. Simply understand cause-and-effect relationships and conditioning – if behaviour A happens then consequence B consistently happens, and if consequence B is a desired consequence, then action A will be repeated. Or if consequence B is an undesired consequence, then action A will not be repeated.
Children learn through copying too so lead by setting good examples for them. They might mirror a behaviour they’ve witnessed at home at school, or vice-versa. When young kids find it unfair for adults to be able to do something that they’re not allowed to do – highlight those instances when adults cannot do something either (e.g. point out that adults cannot kick footballs inside the house either) and also the activities that adults must do that kids usually don’t want to do (e.g. the laundry – although some kids will want to copy doing this! Adults really do lead by example).
Children are more likely to take advice from and copy those they like and trust, so you’ll need to nurture a warm and affectionate relationship with them before they’ll listen to you. You probably recognise this yourself – the advice from fluffy teachers you still heed were more likely from those who made an effort to know you, respected you and were approachable.
Idle or empty threats like saying that one will count to 3 and expect obedience by that time, but then counting really slowly from 1, 2, then either never getting to 3 even though the disobedience persists, or saying 3 then doing nothing, or restarting the count but with whatever they’re about to do next (e.g. counting to 3 to try to stop them from throwing a toy down the stairs, but they throw it down anyway, then counting to 3 to try to stop them from throwing another toy down the stairs…) is something that tons of parents frequently do(!) But either don’t give a threat at all or give it and carry it through as stated.
Some parents might later ‘over-correct’ for their own hesitancy to follow through with their own words by instantly going overboard ballistic the next time their child misbehaves – possibly for a behaviour the parent hadn’t fairly explained as being undesirable beforehand, or it was just an accident. They would’ve been better off following through with the lighter punishments as explained when they were supposed to happen rather than building up the exasperation until their own boiling point is reached.
This error happens frequently between adults too, and the exasperated won’t think it is a disproportionate reaction because they’ve aggregated all the previous disobedient incidents together until they’ve come to a head. But it is a disproportionate reaction to the recipient because they think all they did was just the last thing they did. And I’m inclined to agree with the latter because we should always avoid reaching an aggressive boiling point. So don’t be lazy – try to always deal with issues whilst they’re small first. Escalate the punishments gradually – don’t just suddenly jump to pushing the nuclear button!
It’s like the ‘ladder of aggression’ with dogs and other animals (well humans are animals too). But if parents immediately jump straight to shouting or worse then it’s the parent’s fault because they’re supposed to be the bigger and smarter people. Woof!
Time-outs (e.g. ‘naughty step’ time) are about the removal of a child from a reinforcing environment and placing them in a less reinforcing environment to decrease an undesired behaviour. Like all methods of discipline, effective time-outs need a carefully thought-out plan – both parents need to agree and decide in advance what behaviours meet time-out criteria, then explain it clearly to their children before ever administering one.
When administering a time-out – make it immediate and consistent, be calm but authoritative (no need for shouting or aggression), make it boring, and make it a set duration (perhaps a minute per year of age they are e.g. 3 minutes for a 3 year-old) or until they’ve calmed down if this takes longer (you decide when it’s over). Return them back to time-out and maybe remove some other privileges as a consequence if they try to leave before their full time-out duration has elapsed.
When time-out is over, return them back to where they were before the time-out with positive reinforcement (e.g. praise them for being gentle with their sibling whenever they are) – ensure that whenever your children are following the rules, their time is filled with positive reinforcement. Concentrate on rewarding desired behaviours rather than punishing undesired ones. An abundance of positive interactions and experiences is the aim for making ‘not time-out’ distinct from time-out – investing in this time minimises the need for time-out. Also work out the circumstances that precede and follow a behaviour that contribute to a problem and account for them, in light of your child’s developmental stage (e.g. the siblings tend to squabble about who goes first when it’s videogaming time – so figure out an equitable system of taking turns ahead of time).
Time-outs are controversial however because there’s a fine line with them and neglect. So some advocate time-ins wherein a misbehaving child is removed from a heated situation but the parent stays with them and communicates in a reassuring tone until they’ve calmed down. The notion of a ‘naughty child’ is challenged itself, as they’re usually just trying to communicate a deeper frustration, perhaps insecurities, or a learned response to adversity.
So more than administering discipline – care about their emotional safety first and foremost. Echoing Post No.: 0945 regarding investigating any hidden issues – gently ask what’s up? Gain and keep their trust as someone who cares about how they feel. This is because all behaviour is communication. If your child is having a meltdown, they’re not giving you a hard time – they’re having a hard time. Disruptive behaviour is perhaps a cry for support but they’re too young to comprehend what they’re feeling or how to express it in words. (Social and emotional learning is recommended for children as young as possible.) Are they scared or anxious about something? Again you’ll need to first allow them a moment to cool down.
Continue to show them that you love them even as they’re not cooperating. Notice and specifically praise every behaviour that is cooperative, even during the midst of talking to them after they’ve misbehaved. They may still need to serve the consequences of their actions (that were explained to them beforehand that they’d have to face if they misbehaved, along with what constituted as misbehaviour). Teach them to understand that they did something wrong or had a bad morning but the afternoon is a new period and they can turn things around. Let them know that they can always redeem themselves. Never allow them to believe they are a lost cause or that ‘nothing matters anymore’. Remind them of what success means in terms of their desired behaviour.
Like being a great coach – an individual whose role is to try to bring out the very best potential from another – it’s not about smacking and making a child cry. We’re trying to encourage them and build their confidence, not discourage them and knock them down. Discipline is necessary but this doesn’t require violent threats, hitting, or even raising voices unless they won’t be able to hear you otherwise (i.e. shouting over noise and/or distance, not as intimidation).
Most people understand that we usually learn more from our mistakes than our successes, but that’s only if we have a personal motivation to do something well. If it’s a behaviour that someone else wants us to do more than we care to do ourselves and we don’t care so much about the result (e.g. parents telling their children to tidy their rooms, pupils who aren’t that bothered about their grades), or the rewards for cheating to obtain a result are potentially larger – then punishment-based lessons or discipline won’t be as effective as reward-based learning experiences in the long run.
However, due to our negativity bias – criticism if constructive, and punishments like the temporary removal of toys, can teach more and work faster to achieve short-term results; and when combined with praise and rewards (on balance far more positive feedback and rewards than negative feedback and punishments), it will generate the best learning effect.
Yes violent intimidation and coercion can achieve some immediate or short-term obedience – but behind your back they will not obey your words. And we want kids to essentially behave even when we’re not there watching them – which requires kids enjoying doing the desirable things, which requires parents associating these desirable things with positive experiences like praise, support and rewards. We want them to carry this happiness of doing the desirable things into adulthood when they become independent too – after all, discipline is ultimately about trying to nurture them into being good people by setting boundaries, expectations and fostering within them a sense of personal responsibility.
If your child does learn to behave long-term from experiencing harsh discipline then they’ll likely grow into hesitant and unconfident people because they’ve always been told what they cannot do, and they may expect a beating down or disapproval from others at every step if they wish to try something new, because that’s their past experience.
Great coaches never stop learning. Being implied that one is a bad father/mother can strike at the very soul of a parent – no one wants to be called that. Well no one should really be called a bad parent – their parenting methods should be called bad instead. So one must be able to take constructive criticism that’s research-based as an opportunity to learn and improve – just like a great coach or parent would.
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