Post No.: 0897
Furrywisepuppy says:
Face your fears and accept failure as part of the journey towards eventual success. Forgive yourself – remember that mistakes aren’t intentional. When mistakes happen, acknowledge them (one trick is to proclaim, “How fascinating”), see them as opportunities to learn, apologise if they’ve impacted others (without being defensive about it or feeling sorry for oneself) and then move on.
Those with the biggest egos or who attach their self-esteem too much to results are more inclined to be deflated by their own mistakes and are most prone to the fear of failure, whereas optimists tend to bounce back better. (It’s better to recognise your own intrinsic self-worth as a person – be a good person to become a winner because being a winner won’t necessarily make one a good person.)
Feeling apprehensive is normal though, and appropriate, in certain contexts – it’s more about how we manage fear rather than deny it. Our anticipation of a feared event is often worse than the reality, even if it materialises. Some people live well within their comfort zones and so never reach their full potential due to a fear of failure, or even the fear of success, or any sort of change.
The best lessons typically come from failure. However, we don’t always learn from our mistakes. An initial failure may tell us that a project won’t provide a return on investment hence we’ll naturally wish to gravitate towards focusing on our successes instead of assessing our failures. Even though we may find it difficult to ignore it if we find it – we’ll try our best to shut out any negative feedback. The ‘ostrich effect’ is when investors attempt to avoid hearing negative financial information, especially in the event of a market downturn, whereas they’ll compulsively check their stocks when things are going well. (Some dispute this pattern however, and claim that a ‘meerkat effect’ is more accurate since investors are vigilant regardless of whether things are going well or not.)
If you find it hard to face or be reminded of, never mind learn from, your failures – then learning from other people’s failures is less bruising on your ego. (Better would be to not have an ego though!) Or try self-distancing from your own fiascos (e.g. ask, “Why did Furfur fail?” instead of, “Why did I fail?” if your name is Furfur. This reminds me – Furcas owes me a squishy ball). Recall your past successes and growth experiences and know that if you’ve proven that you can do something amazing before, you can do something amazing again; and apply those very same positive feelings to any new situation. Reframe the current failure into a story of personal growth too – focus on how your failures will eventually lead to rewards down the line. Having a clear long-term goal in mind will help you tolerate any short-term failures and override that desire to avoid negative information or feedback.
Most of all, know that occasionally failing is a common experience for everybody, so be less harsh on yourself. Understand the universality of your experience. Assuming that our suffering, failing or losing is abnormal alienates us from others – understand that others have felt, do feel and will feel the same pain you currently feel. Suffering is part of the human experience, as is doing things that are later regretted. Some regrets are fleeting but some stay as ruminating, depressing thoughts. But even the most successful or cheerful people in the world have lost a loved one, made errors or failed at a lifelong dream. Remember and be grateful for all the remarkable, loving and lovely things you’ve done too. Remember and be grateful for all those who still love you. Volunteering can also put your woes into perspective – it’ll remind you that there are many more people out there who have it worse than you. Volunteering also reminds you that you can still make a positive impact on others and have much to contribute.
So if you think you’re a failure then understand that you’re hardly alone in this world. Woof.
People sometimes fail because they essentially choose to through self-defeatist attitudes and self-handicapping behaviours. The classic goal conflict is between one’s short-term versus long-term goals. They might deliberately sandbag or self-sabotage their attempts so that if they fail, they can use that excuse for their failure in order to protect their self-esteem. They mightn’t attempt something ambitious in case they fall short of their belief that they would’ve been amazing had they tried. (Yet they might still be the harshest armchair critics against those who do try! Those who’ve tried something challenging, like being an entrepreneur, can empathise better with others who try and fail.) They may want sympathy, or to reduce people’s expectations of them so that others will demand less of them in the future. They may stress over doing things they’ve never done before and fear failing in public view – but the best way to reduce that stress is to do it, and again and again, until one gets used to doing it (start practising in private first if possible). Instead of self-handicapping or looking for excuses if one fails – perhaps tell as many people as you can about your ambitions, then concentrate on how to succeed. (Most people find others who try something ambitious more attractive than those who are too timid too, unless it involves something unethical.)
You can be hardworking and talented but no one knows about it – so have the courage to get your work out there and get known! (It’s often the quietest people who have the most interesting and important things to say too because they’re the ones who are listening and learning more than those who like the sound of their own voice.) Stand out and be proud of what you’re doing or trying to do.
Don’t fear change or making big decisions. Nothing comes to those who do nothing. Things won’t come to you – you have to go get them. Intentions and visions are empty without action and application. Ideas are nothing if they’re not made into reality. You’ll highly likely need to spend some money – but treat it as an investment. Do your research, try your best, expect positive outcomes, but be able to pivot if need be.
Learn all you can from masters who’ve already been there and done what you’re trying to do – then set yourself free to do things your own way. A key overarching quality you need in life is the aptitude to learn. If you can learn then you can eventually achieve anything.
Another major key quality is that winners have unembarrassability. They’re willing to do whatever it takes to attain their ambitions regardless of any social judgements; although we wish some had a limit when it comes to pushing morals and ethics! Never let embarrassment hinder your life if you’re not doing anything unethical, unsafe or foolish – and that most of all includes not being embarrassed to ask for help, funding and other kinds of support to make your ambitions happen.
Most people are too self-conscious about failing or making mistakes – but to succeed, you need to give things a go and be able to rise above negative judgements and persist without a loss of self-esteem or courage. Many people want big things, but most end up doing what’s easy, thus their dreams remain as dreams. Mistakes aren’t embarrassing unless you don’t learn from them.
We need to admit to our errors before we’re motivated to learn from them. But it’s again a fragile ego that cannot admit to making a mistake. It’s kind of like a hockey team that wins a match after scoring 9 goals is more willing to accept that they also conceded 1 or 2 goals because no one would doubt their ability to play hockey brilliantly, whereas their opponents would more likely wish to aggressively contest that 1 or 2 of the goals that they conceded were rightfully goals.
It’s our self-conscious ego that can prevent us from attempting something we are currently not good at or know we won’t win at in the first place. We don’t want to join in with party games in case we do badly and look bad. We’ll think that although we didn’t win, at least we didn’t prove to anyone that we lost – we just didn’t try. Our general instincts are to avoid pain, and seek pleasure, in that order of priority – but if you never try then you’ll never win! (This pain aversion instinct is why scare stories resonate so easily, or why strikers have it easier than defenders or keepers – a bungled tap-in is more easily forgotten than a bungled save attempt. But so many pleasures that are desired come only after experiencing some pain.) So in any sphere, to attempt things, you need self-confidence (without venturing into arrogance) plus resilience. Success and confidence plus resilience create a positive feedback loop.
We don’t distinguish between a narrow failure or a massive failure as much as between a narrow failure and a narrow win. So if we’re, say, on a weight-loss diet – if we fall off the wagon and miss our target weight by just a bit, we can think ‘to hell with it’ and go on a binge because we’ve failed anyway. This is a problem of narrow-framing when we should be broad-framing our failures and successes i.e. see them in the bigger picture.
Although most people would rather voluntarily quit than be ousted from a position (even though we know they only ‘voluntarily’ quit because they were just about to be ousted!) – we should arguably, in most cases, respect less those who quit than those who get fired. Respect even less those who’ve never even tried something yet would harshly criticise those who try but fail.
You do need belief. Unless you believe that something is achievable, you’re not going to even attempt it. And if you don’t try what’s achievable then you’ve already failed. If you don’t give your all then you won’t know what your best is. If you don’t ask then you won’t get. And if you don’t tell then they won’t know. Got to be in it to be able to win it. I know someone who has never burnt a dinner in their life – someone who has never attempted to cook dinner(!) But they’ve also never succeeded in cooking joyful dinners for themselves or others hence they’re guaranteed failures. If you don’t try, you 100% fail. They’ll never eventually cook a decent dinner if they don’t even make a start. Even the best chefs had to start from somewhere – as clumsy novices. It’s always better to first try within safe settings where any costs of failure are manageable. This often means small trials to get some feedback on one’s ideas.
So you’ve got to give it a go – risk failure for a chance of succeeding. You may have great fun along the way too! Risk assessments are always crucial but don’t find excuses to avoid opportunities like being afraid of failure or thinking that you can’t do something. We can surprise ourselves with what we can do if we don’t know that something is ‘impossible’.
Push yourself and your limits and you’ll grow. Tough things, like new challenges, make us stronger. Praise yourself for your efforts and bravery. Sometimes we’re waiting until we feel better before we take a leap – but sometimes we need to take that leap before we feel better.
The world isn’t divided between those who can or can’t – it’s divided between those who do or don’t. Well, the world is divided between those who succeed or give up – grit (resilience, perseverance and positivity) correlates with success. As long as your losses are manageable – especially any costs to your health – then sometimes all you need to do is to succeed once.
So fail as often as you need.
Woof!
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