Post No.: 0946
Fluffystealthkitten says:
Without venturing into arrogance – walk tall, be assertive and never feel any less than equal to anybody else. You’re not more, but you’re not less.
Know yourself, know your enemy, be prepared, be adaptable, divide and conquer, remove the head of the snake, destroy their lines of communication and supply, unity is more paramount than size or individual talent, be deceptive, be difficult to predict, hit hard and fast with surprise, secure air/cyberspace supremacy… some of these tips aren’t just strategies and tactics for war but for other parts of life too, like breaking big tasks into smaller and more manageable ones, tackling the root causes of problems, and one is only as strong as one’s weakest links.
In the political treatise The Prince, Niccolò Machiavelli wasn’t necessarily describing what would make a nice or fair leader but an effective one in terms of getting what one wants… if one can manage to get away with it. Play the right tune to the right crowd. Post No.: 0642 covered Machiavellianism and manipulation in some more depth.
In debates generally, present no weak arguments because the opposition will latch onto one perceived weak point and ignore all your strong arguments, even though they’d be unfair to ignore the forest to focus on just one or two trees that confirm the conclusion they wish to make. Sometimes the perception is all that matters rather than the predominant truth (e.g. to secure people’s votes).
However, if we only present our strongest arguments and evidence in case our weakest ones get dismantled then we’ll be just acting like lawyers rather than scientists. It’s perhaps disappointing for humans that the art of persuasion isn’t the preserve of science, facts and statistical probabilities but other fields like politics, law and online chat! In an ideal world, we’d all disclose and present every relevant argument and piece of evidence, and we’d all learn to be able to weigh everything out to see where the overall preponderance of arguments and evidence leans towards rather than cherry-pick whichever individual pieces suit the conclusions we wish to be true. But in the real world, we’ve got to be tactical.
Don’t be someone who avoids taking responsibility, avoids accountability for making decisions, thinks you’re incapable of changing your own attitudes, behaviours or destiny, or assumes everything is everyone else’s fault, and others should be able to mind-read your concerns or understand your tepid hints.
It’s often the case that people treat us as we feel we deserve to be treated. So practise being more assertive – although always keeping calm and polite – by firmly saying no if you want to refuse something. Once we make the stance clear first to ourselves, then through our words and actions towards others, that the parameters have changed, then people will change the way they treat us as a matter of course.
If you feel awkward about simply directly expressing and meaning, “No” or an equivalent negatory response, or it may be rude to in the context, then make it appear like you want to say yes but there are obstacles in your way i.e. explain your reasons why. Don’t string them along though with ambiguity.
If it’s a context where something can be negotiated then take the opportunity to ask for what you want in return. Or say you think it’s a great idea but it’ll mean compromising or sacrificing a previous request of theirs due to time or resource limitations. Ask lots of challenging questions about the proposal. Put the ball back in their court by asking for clarification and for them to check that their request is feasible, safe, etc.. Or bury it in a committee for discussion i.e. you must check with the whole team first.
We should be more assertive about what we want at least at work, like negotiating for more pay. If you think you’re being paid an unfair rate then discuss it. If you don’t ask then you won’t get.
Do research on present market rates and what your colleagues are getting for the same work. Compare your rate to the average market rate as well as the highest rate. Mention specifics of value (e.g. you brought/saved the company £1.2M with your work). Ask it when they’re feeling good and business is thriving or just when you’ve brought them a rapturous increase in fortunes and you’re directly being praised for it. Take advantage of such moments! Always bring these (re)negotiations up during an upturn, not a downturn or a period of huge expenditure for them (e.g. check their annual accounts and forecasts). So timing is critical. Friday afternoons are good but not during social gatherings. The best time is also if you have other businesses after your exclusive talents or products i.e. you’re in demand.
Inform your employer beforehand (e.g. via e-mail) that you intend to talk with them regarding pay some time. Use phrases like, “I would like you to consider at an appropriate time…” and make it sound formal (e.g. use words like ‘market value’ or ‘review’).
Prepare to answer what you’re going to give your employer in return for a pay rise. Don’t concede literally anything unless you immediately secure something in return though (e.g. you’ll only agree to lower your offer by £1,000 if they throw in a few days extra holiday i.e. money isn’t the only bargaining chip on the table – think laterally with perks, etc.).
Be polite, smile and flatter them. Talk about your successes without coming across as boastful. Being modest is socially intelligent in most contexts but sometimes we need to sell ourselves and back ourselves for promotions or ambitions.
If rejected say, “You can appreciate that I wouldn’t have mentioned this unless I had given it much thought” and ask why too. Be gracious and ask for something else like some other perk or upgrade whilst you are at it (why not!)
You don’t want to come across as a complainer yet we have a right to complain if we’re unhappy with something. It’s better than being privately grumpy, moaning to the wrong people, or being passive-aggressive to the right people without giving them enough chances to make things better. It’s how we do it – with supporting facts and assertive yet polite tact – that matters.
Firstly relax in the face of antagonism – pause, think, then speak because you might say or do something you regret.
We shouldn’t be unfairly taken advantage of. It’s wise to learn the laws of the land and to know all your rights because it can put you in a powerful assertive position during disputes.
Anxious people who wish to avoid any risk of direct conflict or fallout may end up being silently passive-aggressive for letting something on their mind fester inside over time until they become resentful of the person they really should’ve openly talked to sooner about the issue that’s on their mind, in a calm, honest but assertive manner.
So sometimes those who dislike confrontation can make matters worse because they’re not clear and assertive enough regarding what they want. They think they’ve been clear in what they want, then feel they weren’t listened to. They subsequently behave passive-aggressively towards the other person until the relationship totally deteriorates. We often cast aspersions about others behind their backs yet have never confronted them to unambiguously tell them how we feel to give them a chance to make things right. It’s not about being rude or belligerent – it’s about being a more empathic and articulate communicator (especially regarding something like seriously not wanting any help – in these contexts, and in some cultures more than others, saying, “Please don’t concern yourself” is just a courteous expression, not a demand). Their behaviour mightn’t be personal, and they might even mean well.
Like I say, we often deserve the treatment we receive because of our own pusillanimous character. Honestly but courteously raise the issue with whom it concerns. (Remember we’re not perfect ourselves!) Ensure you mention what you don’t want from them, explain how it makes you feel and why, and what you do want from them, preferably in concrete terms. Be prepared to repeat yourself. (It’s not like we’ve never needed to be told more than once to change something about ourselves!) At work, you mightn’t need to like someone – just be able to work with them.
Much of what’s considered rude is cultural. Specific words, hand gestures or behaviours can mean different things in different countries (e.g. noisily slurping noodles is encouraged in Japan). Well the concept of ‘rudeness’ as a whole is only a social animal thing and isn’t universal.
To consider what’s offensive, ask does it harm others – as in does genuine harm or disruption to others and isn’t just a matter of personal taste? Was it intentional? (And in some cases) does it harm themselves? If not then let others do what they like, and do what you like. Do what makes you happy – everybody is different. Besides, if you follow others then you’ll achieve no better. It’s like you cannot overtake somebody by fuzzy tailgating them – you must take a different lane. It can however get quite complicated, like how much psychological impact is acceptable before we consider someone a ‘snowflake’ or ‘snob’? What if someone is particularly mentally vulnerable? How much risk is acceptable when harm isn’t guaranteed? And as social animals, isn’t following social norms crucial for human harmony?
Diffuse assumptions of deliberate rudeness by asking, “Did you have a bad day?” in a friendly tone – unkindness isn’t always personal. If someone isn’t usually rude then understand that it’s their present (hidden) circumstances. Or if someone is always rude then account for it or avoid them – don’t reward rudeness with attention or compliance. Isn’t the bigger clod someone who (persistently) tries to engage with a clod?! Give them attention whenever they’re behaving nicely instead.
If confronted with people who are deliberately trying to threaten you – compose and control yourself first before you can control them. These types of people prey only on the weak so stand unflinchingly calm and exude equanimous confidence, as if you quietly know something they don’t and that ‘you could take them down without breaking into a sweat’. Deescalate matters by not roaring back or flapping about. Serenely display your dominance. Be confidently assertive to protect your ground if need be, or stay silent and give them nothing to feed off.
Be safe but don’t let anyone make you avoid them or where they are (e.g. you avoid entering a room because someone whom you don’t like is currently there) – don’t let anyone have that kind of power over you. Of course don’t waste your time by staying somewhere that has no value for you anymore though. There are better places to be.
Practise the philosophy of stoicism and don’t let anyone make you angry, afraid or exasperated – well understand that no one ‘makes you’ feel or do anything but yourself. You are in control of your own thoughts and behaviours.
Make others your puppet though! If you want to psych someone out – tell them if they can feel something in their hair or if they can feel something odd in their tummy. It may then start to play on their minds and they’ll perhaps start to feel something like a distracting tickle or irritation.
Now being authoritative and assertive isn’t the same as being hostile or stubborn; just like cockiness isn’t confidence but either complacency or overcompensation for the lack of true, calm confidence.
Recognise that Isaac Newton was reportedly a **** (although he may have had bipolar disorder) but Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Alan Turing and many more weren’t – so you don’t have to be a **** to be a genius.
Meow! If you like, you can use the Twitter comment button below to express your thoughts on whether we should at times be more assertive.
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