Post No.: 0083
If you’re looking for love then finding the right partner in a relationship is about compatibility. It’s not merely about the list of desirable attributes you want in your potential partner, or their list of desirable attributes they want in their potential partner, but how these two lists meet. You can’t just think about what you want but what they might want, and what they actually want may not be what you expect too.
So don’t hide your quirks or ‘flaws’ because some people may find those features particularly attractive (e.g. a bald head, ‘geeky’ interests, a penchant for spontaneously bursting into song – so go liberate yourself!) Don’t lie or conceal them on your profiles; don’t deny or hide them on your dates. It’s best not to pretend to be someone you’re not because it’s a waste of time for everyone involved, including your own time once the other person finds out – or worse, you could pretend to be someone whom you thought the other person might like but actually they don’t like that type of person at all and they would’ve given the chance with and loved the real you instead!
It’s not to say that self-improvement is not commendable but having ginger hair one is dyeing or considering dyeing, collecting miniatures or toys (if one can afford them and has the space to store them), having kitsch tastes or being afraid of heights, for instance, aren’t really flaws in the sense like being thoughtless, arrogant, irascible or deceitful is.
There are also enough physically beautiful or handsome people in the world who also have considerate, courteous, kind and down-to-earth personalities, that, in my fluffy opinion, it’s not good enough to think that one can get away with being a **** if one is merely physically beautiful or handsome (and/or rich).
We do have to be careful about having a strict ‘list of desirable attributes in a partner’ though because sometimes the things we want are not the things we need, and sometimes the reality doesn’t match the expectations. Fantasies (e.g. ‘supermodel women’ or ‘bad boys’) don’t always match the reality or expectations when you actually experience them first-hand. So don’t close potential opportunities off too soon or conversely jump on someone you superficially fancy too eagerly!
Now it’s true that highly intelligent women tend to marry less intelligent men… but this is simply a statistical necessity because these women statistically have less chance of finding anyone more intelligent than them (just like short women tend to marry taller men because they have a harder time finding anyone shorter than them compared to women who are tall). There’s therefore nothing much to read into from all this.
‘Optimal stopping’ theory suggests that if you have 100 potential suitors (e.g. on a dating website) – always reject the first 37 people (the first 36.8%) no matter how good some of them might have been, then accept the next person who seems better than any of those whom you’ve reviewed so far. So according to probability theory, the optimal strategy is to marry the first ‘best yet’ partner you find after about a third of your dating history has passed.
We’ll it’s difficult or impossible to know with foresight what your total dating history will be to know what a third of that will be, so for real-world practicality – don’t marry any of the first people you date, but then don’t try to find the ‘absolute perfect’ partner either because you might ditch someone who would’ve made you happy enough and find no better. One could indeed be an outlier statistic and instantly find one’s soul mate or wait and find one’s absolute perfect partner by being very patient – but this will be upfront rationally statistically unlikely. Then again, some people consider love as irrational! (For me, love is rational unless it goes into irrational extremes e.g. loving someone who doesn’t deserve your love because they neglect, abuse or cheat on you and make you feel more pain or fear than joy or warmth.)
In the long-run for a relationship that is intended to last – it still boils down to compatible personalities and values. And this includes whether you both accept each other’s quirks and imperfections (or ‘imperfections’). There are people out there who will accept them so just be yourself.
“All the ducks are swimming in the water, fal de ral de ral do, fal de ral de ral do…”